S\u0130NE EL\u0130F<\/b><\/p>\n
Nas\u0131l dayan\u0131yorsun k\u0131z\u0131m?\u201d diye sormu\u015ftun anne. Cevab\u0131 bilenen sorular\u0131 cevaplamak niye bu kadar zor Allah’\u0131m? \u00c7enemde bir zelzele, anne. Senden kalan. Dudaklar\u0131mda bir ser\u00e7e var, duygular\u0131m harfe b\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fcrse \u00e7atlayacak kalbi, biliyorum. \u0130ki damla d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyor ete\u011fime, tuzunda yan\u0131yorum. Dayanam\u0131yorum anne. Her \u015fey, herkes \u00e7ok uzak. Ben kilometreleri saym\u0131yorum anne. Ben y\u0131llar\u0131 say\u0131yorum uzakl\u0131k diye. Yirmilerimin ba\u015flar\u0131ndayd\u0131m giderken \u015fimdi yolunu yar\u0131lam\u0131\u015f k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir kad\u0131n\u0131m. Minici\u011fim anne. H\u00e2l\u00e2 dizinde yat\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 hayal ediyorum. G\u00f6zlerimi kapat\u0131p \u015fahlanm\u0131\u015f bir at\u0131n \u00fczerinde hayallerime u\u00e7may\u0131 diledi\u011fim g\u00fcndeyim. O g\u00fcn\u00fc hat\u0131rl\u0131yor musun anne? Yavrumun yavrusunu uyutay\u0131m da yavrumla uyuyay\u0131m demi\u015ftin hani. Ellerin sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131ndan akarken neler d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcn anne? Kahverengi bukleleri parma\u011f\u0131na sararken, beyazlayan sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131 ok\u015fayamayaca\u011f\u0131n akl\u0131na gelir miydi? \u015eimdi s\u00f6ylesem sa\u00e7lar\u0131mdaki y\u0131ld\u0131zlar\u0131n say\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrs\u00fcn anne. \u00c7ok \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcrs\u00fcn. Bizim sa\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131z a\u011farmaz ki dersin. \u00c7enendeki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck benin titreye titreye d\u00f6ker g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131. Anneannenin bir tek beyaz\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rmedim derken, ya\u015fma\u011f\u0131n yeti\u015femez incilerini silmeye. Oyalar\u0131 d\u00f6k\u00fcl\u00fcr \u00f6rt\u00fcn\u00fcn. Sen \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri serpmeyi iyi bilirsin anne, \u00fcz\u00fclme. Seni bunca sene g\u00f6remeyece\u011fimi bilmedi\u011fim o g\u00fcn, sana s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 sar\u0131l\u0131p tam arabaya binerken bana niye bir daha sar\u0131ld\u0131n anne? Neydi beni kolumdan \u00e7ekip g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcne bast\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n o hissin ad\u0131?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Kalbini avcumun i\u00e7ine b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015f gibiydin anne. Titriyordun. \u0130yi ki bana bir daha sar\u0131ld\u0131n anne. Sard\u0131n, sarmalad\u0131n beni. Yoksa ben nas\u0131l dayan\u0131rd\u0131m on y\u0131l. On koca y\u0131l. D\u00fcnya, G\u00fcne\u015f’in etraf\u0131nda d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f defalarca. Karlar ya\u011f\u0131p erimi\u015f, fidanlar a\u011fa\u00e7 olmu\u015f, bebekler \u00e7ocuk, yeniler eski. Dedim ya anne ben kilometre ile de\u011fil y\u0131llarla \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcyorum hasretimi. D\u00fcnyay\u0131 ka\u00e7 y\u0131lda gezebilirdim anne? D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsene, sana d\u00fcnyay\u0131 dola\u015fmaktan daha uza\u011f\u0131m. Bana k\u0131zm\u0131yorsun de\u011fil mi anne? Sana, senin istedi\u011fin gibi \u00f6zlem c\u00fcmleleri kuramad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in. Hani sana \u201cgel\u201d demi\u015ftim. \u201cGelemem, \u00f6zlemine al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum ya hasret giderip b\u0131rakamazsam o zaman nas\u0131l dayan\u0131r\u0131m?\u201d demi\u015ftin. Ya d\u00f6nemezsem ama d\u00f6nmem gerekirse. Seni se\u00e7emezsem. Ne ac\u0131 anne. Birbirimizi se\u00e7emeyi\u015fimiz, sar\u0131l\u0131p uyuyamay\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z, \u00f6p\u00fcp koklayamay\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131z.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Dayanam\u0131yorum anne. Her pazar kahvalt\u0131s\u0131nda i\u00e7imde suskun bir \u00e7ocuk. Uzamayan \u00e7ay fas\u0131llar\u0131n\u0131n l\u00e2l k\u0131z\u0131y\u0131m art\u0131k. Hayat\u0131 buklelerinden k\u0131l pay\u0131 yakalam\u0131\u015f olsam da eksikli\u011finin h\u00fczn\u00fc sevin\u00e7lerimi buduyor. Bahar u\u011fruyor da tohumlar\u0131m hep uykuda anne. Dayanam\u0131yorum anne. Siz orda kalabal\u0131k sofralara \u00e7ay ta\u015f\u0131rken, taba\u011f\u0131mda gide gele bayatlayan kurabiyenin yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7imi kemiriyor. Co\u015fkulu bayram temizliklerinize kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k bir avu\u00e7 toz bulutu verebiliyorum genzimi yakan. Bayram sabahlar\u0131m\u0131 da apar topar gitti\u011fim bir restoranta s\u0131k\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yorum. Dayanam\u0131yorum anne. D\u00fcnyay\u0131 g\u00f6rmeye gidecektim ben. D\u00fcnyadan kopar\u0131lmak de\u011fildi niyetim. Ke\u015fke bir takvim verebilsem anne. \u00c7ay\u0131 koyun, geliyorum desem.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Dayanam\u0131yorum anne. Seni ne \u00e7ok \u00f6zledim bir bilsen. Bir s\u00f6yleyebilsem. Hep dudaklar\u0131mdaki ser\u00e7eden. Seni \u00e7ok \u00f6zledim anne.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" S\u0130NE EL\u0130F Nas\u0131l dayan\u0131yorsun k\u0131z\u0131m?\u201d diye sormu\u015ftun anne. Cevab\u0131 bilenen sorular\u0131 cevaplamak niye bu kadar zor Allah’\u0131m? \u00c7enemde<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":617,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[12,100,17,102],"yoast_head":"\n