EMILY YARAMI\u015e<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
Ger\u00e7ekli\u011fin gizeminde geziniyordu y\u0131llard\u0131r. Arad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilse belki bulacakt\u0131. Sadece ger\u00e7ek olsun istiyordu. Nefes almak gibi. Ger\u00e7ek\u2026<\/p>\n
Duygusuz duygularla ala\u015fa\u011f\u0131 etmi\u015flerdi hayat\u0131n\u0131. Hislerim g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc derken bile ahmakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n pazar\u0131nda ak\u0131l ar\u0131yordu.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Ak\u0131ll\u0131 olmak neydi?<\/p>\n Ba\u015fkalar\u0131 hakk\u0131nda k\u00f6t\u00fc senaryolar \u00fcretmek miydi? Ya da s\u00f6ylenen her s\u00f6ze dayak atar gibi kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k vermek mi? Masumiyetin bedeli neden hep bu kadar a\u011f\u0131r oldu? \u0130\u00e7ten g\u00fclmeler, iyi niyetler neden kabul g\u00f6rmedi \u015fu fani d\u00fcnyada. Kazananlar, kara yaz\u0131 yazanlar oldu. Hi\u00e7li\u011fin mertebesi hi\u00e7 bu kadar a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lanmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Dini arg\u00fcmanlar\u0131n nefret unsuru haline gelmesi bu y\u00fczy\u0131l\u0131n en ac\u0131mas\u0131z belas\u0131 oldu. Ruhlar darmada\u011f\u0131n, hisler fel\u00e7 ge\u00e7irdi. Ebediyet duygusu belki de ebeden yok oldu. Hesaplar hep \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f g\u00fcnl\u00fck z\u00eehayat\u0131n pe\u015finde s\u0131raland\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Dima\u011flar a\u00e7, zihinler karma\u015f\u0131k, hayaller h\u00fcsran oldu.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n T\u00fcm k\u00f6t\u00fc ve k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckler alabildi\u011fine hadsiz ve s\u0131rna\u015f\u0131k…Kendinden emin ve bir o kadar hodgam. \u0130\u015fte bu k\u00f6t\u00fcler ve k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckler resetledi t\u00fcm saf dima\u011flar\u0131. Alg\u0131lar de\u011fi\u015fti, n\u00f6ronlar \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Benli\u011fin sarmallar\u0131 ters d\u00fcz edildi. Varl\u0131k, var olman\u0131n tad\u0131yla zehirlendi.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Benlik, ben olman\u0131n gurbetinde k\u0131vran\u0131yor. Heyhat, ne yaman \u00e7eli\u015fkiler armonisi.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Beklenen, dilenen, istenen belki de en \u00e7ok hayal edilen de\u011ferli oldu\u011funu hissetmekti. Bir de\u011ferlilik ya\u015famak istiyordu. Sevmenin kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 sevilmek olmal\u0131yd\u0131. Sevmek, pi\u015fmanl\u0131k olmamal\u0131yd\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Pi\u015fman\u0131m! Her \u015feyden. Ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131mdan, ya\u015fayamad\u0131klar\u0131mdan. Sevip de sevemediklerimden. G\u00f6n\u00fcl saraylar\u0131m\u0131 talan edenlere i\u00e7imden \u2018Ya Sab\u0131r!\u2019 deyip, kimseye bir\u015fey demeden arkam\u0131 d\u00f6nmekten. D\u00f6nek olmaktan pi\u015fman\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Y\u00fcre\u011fimin inci tanesini de\u011fersizle\u015ftirmekten, kalbime kilitli bir kara sevda biriktirmekten, a\u015fk\u0131m\u0131n lezzetini zehirle\u015ftirerek yudum yudum i\u00e7mekten, pi\u015fman\u0131m! D\u00fc\u015flerimi dolduran\u0131 d\u00fc\u015flemekten korktu\u011fum, bedenimi ve ruhumu hep incitti\u011fim i\u00e7in pi\u015fman\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Asay\u0131 yere vurup t\u00fcm b\u00fcy\u00fcleri alt \u00fcst eden Musa\u2019n\u0131n Rabbi, Nuh\u2019un o\u011flu Sam\u2019\u0131 dirilten \u0130sa\u2019n\u0131n Rabbi, parma\u011f\u0131n\u0131n i\u015faretiyle ay\u2019\u0131 ikiye b\u00f6len Muhammed (sav)\u2019in Rabbi benim de Rabbim. Onun ihsan ve sevdas\u0131na lay\u0131k olamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in pi\u015fman\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Geceleri uyumayan g\u00f6zlerimin bekleyi\u015fi, sessiz aray\u0131\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n tek adresi kendi benli\u011fimde gizliydi. Pe\u015fi s\u0131ra d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm hayallerim nirvanaya ula\u015fm\u0131\u015fken zihnimin labirentlerinde raks eden \u00e7aresizlik vaveylas\u0131na m\u00fcptela olu\u015fuma pi\u015fman\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Ruhumun zincirlerini bir bir par\u00e7alayan zikir atmosferini b\u0131rak\u0131p deryalarda s\u00fcz\u00fclen zindanlara heves ettim. Hissiyat\u0131m heveslere kurban gitmi\u015f. Heyhat ne garip, ne tezat bir vazge\u00e7i\u015fmi\u015f.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Ak m\u0131yd\u0131? Kara m\u0131yd\u0131? Hangi duygu ve d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelerin sarho\u015flu\u011fu yahut disipliniyle karmakar\u0131\u015f\u0131k kaoslar i\u00e7inde y\u0131llarca debelenip durdum.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Bazen bir sinema izliyormu\u015fcas\u0131na ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 zannediyordum, bazen de hi\u00e7 nefes alm\u0131yormu\u015f gibi \u00f6l\u00fc oldu\u011fumu. Hislerin ba\u011fr\u0131nda \u00e7ok elem d\u00f6v\u00fcl\u00fcr de m\u00fcbarek d\u00f6v\u00fcle d\u00f6v\u00fcle \u00f6v\u00fclesi olamaz i\u015fte. Harmanlan\u0131r t\u00fcm garip gureba duygular. Halla\u00e7 pamu\u011fu gibi sinemize \u00f6yle bir musallat olur ki ak\u0131l denen zemberek y\u00fcksek voltajlarla kendini ortaya koymazsa vurdumduymazl\u0131k zannedilen haller kaoslar \u00e7emberinde derin yaralar te\u015fkil eder.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Bilmez insan kendini<\/p>\n Ger\u00e7e\u011fini deli gibi sevdi\u011fini<\/p>\n Aray\u0131\u015flarda bocalar durur<\/p>\n Bulamad\u0131k\u00e7a savrulur<\/p>\n \u0130\u00e7er sabahlara kadar<\/p>\n Sarho\u015flu\u011funda bo\u011fulur<\/p>\n A\u011flar hi\u00e7 durmadan<\/p>\n G\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131na s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131r<\/p>\n Salar da\u011flara kendini<\/p>\n Yorgunlu\u011fuyla avunur<\/p>\n Yazar, \u00e7izer, boyarda<\/p>\n Yine de tarifsizdir bendi<\/p>\n Bilmez insan kendini<\/p>\n Rabbini deli gibi sevdi\u011fini<\/p>\n Bilmez insan kendini\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n A\u015fk\u0131n bur\u00e7lar\u0131nda eridi\u011fini.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u0130nsan kimyas\u0131n\u0131n alfabesi olduk\u00e7a kar\u0131\u015f\u0131k olmal\u0131. S\u00fcrekli da\u011f\u0131lan dima\u011flar, bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 bulan\u0131k dalg\u0131n similar, yery\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc ad\u0131mlarken hissizle\u015fen halleriyle g\u00f6ze \u00e7arpan nadanlar, pi\u015fmanl\u0131k ate\u015fine ne zaman u\u011frarlar?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Ah kalbim ah! Ne de garip kald\u0131n \u015fu alemde! Dert biriktirdin i\u00e7inde dermanlar\u0131 dualar\u0131n da sakl\u0131 olan. Elem dolu y\u0131llar\u0131n\u0131 temcid pilav\u0131 gibi a\u015f\u0131nd\u0131rd\u0131n durdun. \u0130ki kelam\u0131n biri<\/p>\n -Niye?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Asl\u0131nda cevab\u0131 i\u00e7inde gizliydi.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n -Kader!<\/p>\n Ve a\u015f\u0131nm\u0131\u015f onca anla\u015f\u0131lamama duygusu. \u201cYeter art\u0131k!\u201dlar\u0131n t\u00fckendi\u011fi, yeis batakl\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n kurusa dahi h\u00e2letiruhiyesiyle g\u00f6revini idam ettirmesi. K\u00f6r olas\u0131 yaln\u0131zl\u0131k denildik\u00e7e kalabal\u0131klar aras\u0131nda tek ba\u015f\u0131nal\u0131k. Pi\u015fmanl\u0131k yasas\u0131nda af var m\u0131 bu \u00e7aresiz yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n?<\/p>\n Derin bir kuyudur kimsesizlik!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Hayata kolsuz kanats\u0131z tutunmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak, bayku\u015flara bayram olan \u015fu yalan d\u00fcnyada. Ve vakarl\u0131 duru\u015flar sergilemek s\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n en dibinde gezinirken. \u00d6l\u00fcm\u00fcn sessiz \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bile ritmik enstr\u00fcmantal sezgilerle mu\u015ftu nidas\u0131d\u0131r zannetmek. Mu\u015ftular\u0131n pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda s\u00fcz\u00fclmek \u015f\u00fck\u00fcrlerle!<\/p>\n A\u011f\u0131r bedeller \u00e7oktan \u00f6denmesine ra\u011fmen l\u00fctuflar\u0131n esrarengizli\u011fini hazmedememek. Ve \u015fuursuz sorularla sorgulamak elemin i\u00e7inde, y\u00fcre\u011fi kanayanlar\u0131. G\u00f6r\u00fcnmeyen yaralar\u0131 hafife almak. Pi\u015fman\u0131m ey hayat gereksiz yorgunluklar\u0131ma. Ac\u0131yor y\u00fcre\u011fim \u00e7ok ac\u0131yor!<\/p>\n \u0130nsan sevgisinden dolay\u0131 neden horlan\u0131r ki?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n K\u00e2buslar \u00fclkesindeki karanl\u0131klar \u015fehrine yakalanma korkusuyla girmek r\u00fcyalar\u0131nda. Gurbetin ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u015ferbet diye i\u00e7mek her an\u0131nda ve dara\u011fac\u0131na g\u00f6nderilen haz\u0131ms\u0131z hislerle ba\u015fedebilme tutkusu. Ve i\u015fte pi\u015fmanl\u0131klar\u0131n yeni aray\u0131\u015flara vesile olmas\u0131.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u0130lki pi\u015fmanl\u0131k yasas\u0131. Kendi ruhuma. \u00d6z\u00fcme ithafen;<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>\u00d6yle varsay\u0131mlarla d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemem seni,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Yan\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00d6yle \u00e7eli\u015fkili hesaplar yok akl\u0131mda,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Bunal\u0131r\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00d6yle darmada\u011f\u0131n bir hikaye bu!<\/p>\n Ezel ebed yurdundan hediye!<\/p>\n \u00d6yle rol yapamam yani,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Sa\u00e7malar\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00d6yle doluyum ki!<\/p>\n Anl\u0131ycan.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Kehribar edal\u0131m,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n G\u00f6kkubbe s\u0131\u011f\u0131na\u011f\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" EMILY YARAMI\u015e Ger\u00e7ekli\u011fin gizeminde geziniyordu y\u0131llard\u0131r. Arad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilse belki bulacakt\u0131. Sadece ger\u00e7ek olsun istiyordu. Nefes almak gibi. Ger\u00e7ek\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1944,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n