{"id":1938,"date":"2021-06-28T15:55:52","date_gmt":"2021-06-28T15:55:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1938"},"modified":"2021-06-28T15:55:52","modified_gmt":"2021-06-28T15:55:52","slug":"pismanlik","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1938","title":{"rendered":"Pi\u015fmanl\u0131k"},"content":{"rendered":"

FUAT \u015eAH\u0130N \u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

Y\u00fczba\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 yapmak i\u00e7in T\u00fcrkiye\u2019nin g\u00fcneydo\u011fusunda bir s\u0131n\u0131r karakoluna atanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. K\u00fctahya\u2019da do\u011fup b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ve hayat\u0131mda Ankara\u2019n\u0131n do\u011fusuna ad\u0131m atmad\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan, gidece\u011fim co\u011frafya hakk\u0131nda pek bir fikrim yoktu. Medyadan ve devrelerimden duydu\u011fum ter\u00f6r ve ka\u00e7ak\u00e7\u0131l\u0131k olaylar\u0131 haricinde o co\u011frafya hakk\u0131nda bildi\u011fim pek bir husus yoktu. Tayin haberimi aileme verdi\u011fimde b\u00fcy\u00fck bir matem havas\u0131 olu\u015ftu. Sinop\u2019a, Ayd\u0131n\u2019a ve ya Edirne\u2019ye gidiyor olsayd\u0131m bu matem havas\u0131 olu\u015fmazd\u0131, bilakis bir \u015fenlik, bir esenlik r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131 eserdi. Fakat G\u00fcneydo\u011fu olunca nedense herkese bir inkisar \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. \u0130lk ba\u015fta bunun nedenini asker olmama ve b\u00f6lgede ter\u00f6r\u00fcn faal olmas\u0131na vermi\u015ftim. Ancak daha sonra g\u00f6recektim ki doktor, asker, \u00f6\u011fretmen, herkesin sanki vebal\u0131ym\u0131\u015f gibi ka\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131 bu garip co\u011frafyan\u0131n yazg\u0131s\u0131 buydu. \u00c7evremin bana y\u00fcklemi\u015f oldu\u011fu \u00f6nyarg\u0131 ve suizanla yeni g\u00f6rev b\u00f6lgeme do\u011fru yola \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f oldum.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Daha g\u00f6revimin ilk zamanlar\u0131nda asla unutamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m ve kendimi katiyen affedemedi\u011fim bir olay ya\u015fand\u0131. Y\u0131llarca bu ya\u015fanan vakan\u0131n faturas\u0131n\u0131 o zamanki toylu\u011fum ve cehaletime kesmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Fakat vicdan\u0131m pe\u015fimi b\u0131rakm\u0131yor, beynimin i\u00e7inde \u201csen yapt\u0131n!\u201d sesleri yank\u0131lan\u0131yordu. En nihayetinde su\u00e7umu kendime itiraf edince, \u00f6nyarg\u0131 ve suizanlar\u0131mdan dolay\u0131 b\u00f6yle bir c\u00fcr\u00fcm i\u015fledi\u011fimi kabul edince kendimi dayan\u0131lmaz bir vicdani hesapla\u015fman\u0131n alt\u0131nda ezilirken buldum. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m psikolojik buhran iyice ciddile\u015fince profosyonel destek almam gerekti. \u0130la\u00e7lar ve uzun s\u00fcren seanslar sonucu daha d\u00fczelmi\u015f gibiyim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yeni g\u00f6rev yerime al\u0131\u015fma s\u00fcrecindeydim. B\u00f6lgenin insan\u0131n\u0131, ya\u015fam tarz\u0131n\u0131 tan\u0131m\u0131yor, insanlar nelerle u\u011fra\u015f\u0131r, bu \u00e7\u00f6l gibi yerde nas\u0131l para kazan\u0131rlar bilmiyordum. A\u00e7\u0131k\u00e7as\u0131 pek de umrumda olmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bir g\u00fcn astlar\u0131m karakola yaka pa\u00e7a gencecik bir \u00e7ocuk ve yan\u0131nda y\u00fckl\u00fc bir e\u015fek getirdiler.<\/p>\n

– Komutan\u0131m, yolda bu \u00e7ocu\u011fa rastlad\u0131k, bizi g\u00f6r\u00fcnce ka\u00e7maya yeltendi.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

G\u00f6zlerimle \u00e7ocu\u011fu boydan s\u00fczd\u00fcm. K\u0131sa sa\u00e7l\u0131, esmer, ye\u015fil g\u00f6zl\u00fc bir \u00e7ocuktu.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

– Neden ka\u00e7t\u0131n?<\/p>\n

– …<\/p>\n

– Sana sordum ulan!<\/p>\n

Sesimi y\u00fckseltince \u00e7ocuk sindi. \u00dcrkerek:<\/p>\n

– Korktum komutan\u0131m.<\/p>\n

– Ne var e\u015fekte?<\/p>\n

– Sigara.<\/p>\n

\u015eimdi anla\u015f\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00c7ocuk, Irak s\u0131n\u0131r\u0131ndan sigara ka\u00e7\u0131r\u0131yordu. \u201c\u00d6rg\u00fctle ili\u015fi\u011fi olabilir mi acaba?\u201d diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. \u00c7ocuk g\u00f6r\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne bak\u0131p aldanmamak gerekti.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

-Ka\u00e7 ya\u015f\u0131ndas\u0131n?<\/p>\n

-16<\/p>\n

-Ad\u0131n ne?<\/p>\n

-Bawer.<\/p>\n

-Kimli\u011fini ver bakal\u0131m!<\/p>\n

Arka cebinden eski p\u00fcsk\u00fc bir kimlik \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p uzatt\u0131. Kimlikte foto\u011fraf yoktu ve \u00fcst\u00fcnde \u201cFatih\u201d yaz\u0131yordu.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

-Bu ne?<\/p>\n

-Kimlik komutan\u0131m.<\/p>\n

-Dalga m\u0131 ge\u00e7iyorsun ulan, burada Fatih yaz\u0131yor! Kimden y\u00fcr\u00fctt\u00fcn bunu?!<\/p>\n

-Yok komutan\u0131m, vallahi benim. Kur\u2019an \u00e7arps\u0131n!<\/p>\n

Ben tabi ki inanmad\u0131m. Muhtemelen \u00f6rg\u00fct taraf\u0131ndan, ka\u00e7ak\u00e7\u0131l\u0131k s\u0131ras\u0131nda denk gelirse g\u00f6stersin diye verilmi\u015f \u00e7al\u0131nt\u0131 bir kimlikti.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Askerlere e\u015fe\u011fin s\u0131rt\u0131ndaki sigaralar\u0131 indirip karakola ta\u015f\u0131malar\u0131n\u0131 emrettim. Tam \u00e7ocu\u011fa \u201cHaydi var git evine\u201d diyecektim ki, bir ceza almas\u0131 gerekti\u011fime h\u00fckmettim. Bir gece nezarette kal\u0131rsa ak\u0131llanaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131, bu i\u015flere daha bula\u015fmayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnerek i\u00e7eri al\u0131nmas\u0131 emrini verdim. \u00c7ocuk \u00e7ok da \u00fcz\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f gibi de\u011fildi, belli ki al\u0131\u015f\u0131kt\u0131. O s\u0131rada bir asker geldi:<\/p>\n

–\u00a0 <\/span>E\u015fe\u011fi ne yapal\u0131m komutan\u0131m?<\/p>\n

E\u015fek konusunu hi\u00e7 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmemi\u015ftim, umrumda da de\u011fildi. Fakat birden akl\u0131ma -nereden duymu\u015ftum tam an\u0131msam\u0131yorum- s\u0131n\u0131r b\u00f6lgesinde e\u015feklerin uyu\u015fturucuya al\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131larak ka\u00e7ak\u00e7\u0131l\u0131kta kullan\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 bilgisi geldi. B\u00fcy\u00fck bir so\u011fukkanl\u0131l\u0131kla \u201cvurun!\u201d emrini verdim. Bunu duyan \u00e7ocuk t\u00fcm sakinli\u011fini bozarak yalvar\u0131p yakarmaya ba\u015flad\u0131:<\/p>\n

–\u00a0 <\/span>Etme komutan\u0131m, g\u00f6z\u00fcn\u00fc seveyim!\u00a0 <\/span>Anam hastad\u0131r, acil ameliyat olmas\u0131 gerek. Para denkle\u015ftiremiyoruz. \u015eu e\u015fek tek ge\u00e7im kayna\u011f\u0131m\u0131z. Al\u0131n sigaralar sizde kals\u0131n ama \u015fu e\u015feye bir \u015fey etmeyin ne olur!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ancak \u00e7ocu\u011fun s\u00f6ylediklerinin hi\u00e7bir k\u0131ymeti harbiyesi yoktu. Onu bir kez \u201c\u00f6rg\u00fct\u00e7\u00fc\u201d olarak mimlemi\u015ftim bile kafamda. Dedikleri bir kula\u011f\u0131mdan giriyor \u00f6tekinden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yordu.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ancak bilmiyordum ki K\u00fcrt\u00e7e isim yasak oldu\u011fundan insanlar kimli\u011fe ba\u015fka isim yaz\u0131yorlar. Bilmiyordum ki ka\u00e7ak\u00e7\u0131l\u0131k o b\u00f6lgenin gariban insan\u0131n\u0131n ekmek kap\u0131s\u0131. Bunlar\u0131n hepsini \u00e7ok sonra, zamanla \u00f6\u011frendim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Bu olayan birka\u00e7 ay sonra \u00e7evre k\u00f6ylerden birindeyken bir cenaze alay\u0131na denk geldim. Kalabal\u0131k bir alay de\u011fildi. En \u00f6ndeki birka\u00e7 gencin omuzlar\u0131nda giden ye\u015fil bezlerle sar\u0131l\u0131 bir tabut ve arkas\u0131ndan y\u00fcr\u00fcyen 20-30 ki\u015fi… En \u00f6nde tabutu omuzlam\u0131\u015f bir \u00e7ocu\u011fu tan\u0131r gibi oldum, Bawer\u2019di bu. Tam o anda g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze geldik. Kan \u00e7ana\u011f\u0131na d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f g\u00f6zlerini benimkilere dikmi\u015f bak\u0131yordu. G\u00f6zlerinde \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcden ziyade nefret, h\u0131rs ve \u00f6fke vard\u0131. Bu bak\u0131\u015flar alt\u0131nda ezildi\u011fimi hissettim. Neden bilmiyorum ama \u00e7ok \u00fcrpermi\u015ftim. 16 ya\u015f\u0131ndaki bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun bana bir \u015fey yapmas\u0131na olanak yoktu. Buna ra\u011fmen i\u00e7imi derin bir deh\u015fet kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Y\u0131llard\u0131r hala o g\u00f6zler k\u00e2buslar\u0131ma girer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kasabadan birine \u00f6lenin kim oldu\u011funu sorunca Bawer\u2019in annesi oldu\u011funu \u00f6\u011frendim. G\u00fcnlerce i\u00e7im i\u00e7imi yedi. Vicdan azab\u0131ndan uyuyamaz oldum. K\u00f6ye d\u00f6n\u00fcp onu bulmak, \u00f6n\u00fcnde diz \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fcp af dilemek istiyordum. Ancak bunu yapacak ne bir cesaretim ne de y\u00fcz\u00fcm vard\u0131. \u0130\u00e7inde bulundu\u011fum h\u00e2letiruhiye iyice dayan\u0131lmaz bir raddeye ula\u015f\u0131nca, tamamen bencilce hislerle, sadece kendi vicdan\u0131m\u0131 tatmin edip uykular\u0131m\u0131 geri kazanmak i\u00e7in k\u00f6ye, \u00e7ocu\u011fun yan\u0131na gittim. Fakat yoktu. Kime sorsam \u201cgitti\u201d diyordu. Bir sene boyunca d\u00fczenli olarak k\u00f6ye gitgel yapt\u0131m. Belki bir umut geri gelirse diye ama nafile…<\/p>\n

Bir sene sonra karakola bir bask\u0131n oldu. Birka\u00e7 dakika s\u00fcren \u00e7at\u0131\u015fmay\u0131 hi\u00e7 zayiat vermeden atlatm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Elimizde ise \u00fc\u00e7 tane \u201cle\u015f\u201d kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Muzaffer bir komutan edas\u0131yla ellerimi arkada ba\u015flam\u0131\u015f cesetleri incelerken, bir tanesinin bana \u00e7ok tan\u0131d\u0131k geldi\u011fini farkettim. E\u011filip surat\u0131na bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda v\u00fccudum ta\u015f gibi kaskat\u0131 kesildi. Bir senedir uykular\u0131m\u0131 ka\u00e7\u0131ran o g\u00f6zler, ayn\u0131 kin ve \u00f6fkeyle bana bak\u0131yordu. O an ba\u015f\u0131m d\u00f6nmeye ba\u015flad\u0131, mideme i\u011fren\u00e7 bir bulanma hissi geldi. \u0130stifra edemedim, v\u00fccudumun hi\u00e7bir sinir h\u00fccresine h\u00fckm\u00fcm ge\u00e7miyordu. Elimi belimdeki silaha g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcp tek kur\u015funda bu i\u011fren\u00e7, utan\u00e7 verici hislerin hepsine son vermek istedim. O an az\u0131c\u0131k k\u0131m\u0131ldayabilsem, her \u015fey bitmi\u015f ve kurtulmu\u015ftum.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Her \u015feyden nefret etti\u011fimi hissettim; hayattan, mesle\u011fimden, kendimden, \u00f6n\u00fcmde \u00f6l\u00fc yatan \u00e7ocuktan… Evet bir cesetten nefret ediyordum zira, elimden af dileyip vicdan\u0131m\u0131 rahatlatma imkan\u0131n\u0131 alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00dcstelik \u015fimdi sadece annesinin de\u011fil, \u00e7ocu\u011fun da katiliydim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ertesi g\u00fcnk\u00fc televizyon kanallar\u0131nda 17 ya\u015f\u0131ndaki zavall\u0131 bir \u00e7ocuk vatan haini, ben de muzaffer bir y\u00fczba\u015f\u0131yd\u0131m. \u015eimdi ise so\u011fuk namluyu a\u011fz\u0131na dayay\u0131p bu kepaze ya\u015fam\u0131 sonland\u0131rmaya dahi cesareti olmayan emekli bir albay\u0131m.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

FUAT \u015eAH\u0130N \u00a0 Y\u00fczba\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 yapmak i\u00e7in T\u00fcrkiye\u2019nin g\u00fcneydo\u011fusunda bir s\u0131n\u0131r karakoluna atanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. K\u00fctahya\u2019da do\u011fup b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ve hayat\u0131mda Ankara\u2019n\u0131n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1939,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nPi\u015fmanl\u0131k - SES MAGAZINE<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1938\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Pi\u015fmanl\u0131k - SES MAGAZINE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"FUAT \u015eAH\u0130N \u00a0 Y\u00fczba\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 yapmak i\u00e7in T\u00fcrkiye\u2019nin g\u00fcneydo\u011fusunda bir s\u0131n\u0131r karakoluna atanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. 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