{"id":1854,"date":"2021-02-12T16:43:11","date_gmt":"2021-02-12T16:43:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854"},"modified":"2021-02-12T16:43:11","modified_gmt":"2021-02-12T16:43:11","slug":"yeniden-varolus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854","title":{"rendered":"YEN\u0130DEN VAROLU\u015e"},"content":{"rendered":"

MERYEM \u015eENER<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

G\u00f6z kama\u015ft\u0131ran, ruhu doyuran g\u00fczellikte bir okyanusun k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131nda var oldum. \u00a0 <\/span>G\u00fcnd\u00fczleri g\u00fcne\u015fin t\u00fcm c\u00f6mertli\u011fine \u015fahitlik ediyor,\u00a0 <\/span>geceleri de dalgalar\u0131n co\u015fkulu dans\u0131nda binlerce defa y\u0131kan\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Y\u00fckselen her dalgada daha fazla aran\u0131yor ruhum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bu\u00a0 <\/span>rit\u00fcel hayat\u0131m\u0131n anlam\u0131 \u015fimdilik .<\/p>\n

Kimimiz okyanustan biraz daha gerideyiz. \u00a0 <\/span>Bu y\u00fczden sadece okyanusun esintisini duyabiliyoruz ya da o e\u015fsiz kokusunu alabiliyoruz . Daha \u015fansl\u0131 olanlar\u0131m\u0131z ise \u00fczerimizden ge\u00e7en bir kaplumba\u011fan\u0131n aya\u011f\u0131na tutunup kendinizi okyanusun en derinliklerine b\u0131rak\u0131yor.<\/p>\n

Dalgalar\u0131n sakin oldu\u011fu gecelerde y\u0131ld\u0131zlar\u0131 seyrediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>T\u0131pk\u0131 bizler gibi milyonlarcas\u0131n\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131,\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00f6rkemli olu\u015flar\u0131,\u00a0 <\/span>muntazam dizili\u015fleri,\u00a0 <\/span>i\u00e7ime i\u015fleyen \u0131\u015f\u0131lt\u0131lar\u0131,\u00a0 <\/span>bu kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde kap\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m yaln\u0131zl\u0131k hissini az da olsa dindiriyor.<\/p>\n

Baz\u0131 g\u00fcnler insanlar geliyor yan\u0131m\u0131za.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00dczerimizde mutluluk \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131 atarak ko\u015fuyorlar, yerlerde yuvarlan\u0131yorlar,\u00a0 <\/span>bizi oradan oraya savuruyorlar co\u015fkuyla.\u00a0 <\/span>K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u00e7ocuklar bizi hayallerine katip kaleler in\u015fa ediyorlar.\u00a0 <\/span>Bamba\u015fka bir \u015feye d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyoruz bir s\u00fcreli\u011fine ama dalgalar\u0131n k\u0131skan\u00e7 dokunu\u015flar\u0131,\u00a0 <\/span>bu ser\u00fcvenin uzun s\u00fcrmesine izin vermiyor ve yeniden kavu\u015fuyoruz sevgiliye.<\/p>\n

Yine al\u0131\u015fageldi\u011fimiz normalleri ya\u015famak i\u00e7in ba\u015fl\u0131yorum g\u00fcne; ama bug\u00fcn s\u0131radanl\u0131ktan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor hayat\u0131m ve\u00a0 <\/span>bir insan beni s\u00f6k\u00fcp al\u0131yor yasadigim bu yerden.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00dczerimizde ko\u015fu\u015fturan insanlar\u0131n savurmalar\u0131na benzemiyor bu.\u00a0 <\/span>Beni bir kutuya koyuyor ve \u00fcst\u00fcm\u00fc kapat\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Bu,\u00a0 <\/span>i\u00e7imde tarif edemedi\u011fim ama defalarca yasadigim bir hissi ya\u015fat\u0131yor bana.\u00a0 <\/span>Kara bulutlar \u00fczerimize kaplay\u0131p y\u0131ld\u0131zlar ile aram\u0131za girince,\u00a0 <\/span>bird aha onlar\u0131 g\u00f6remeyece\u011fimiz anlardaki gibi olsa keske.\u00a0 <\/span>O devasa bulutlar her defas\u0131nda beni korkutsalar da bir zaman sonra dagilacaklarini ve gok y\u00fcz\u00fcme tekrar kavu\u015faca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilirdim her zaman.\u00a0 <\/span>Ya de\u011filse?\u00a0 <\/span>Ya kaplumba\u011falarla birlikte okyanusun derinliklerine gidip bir daha d\u00f6nmeyen arkada\u015flar\u0131m\u0131n gidi\u015fi gibi bir gidi\u015fse bu?\u00a0 <\/span>Ya o kara bulutlar hep aram\u0131zda kal\u0131rsa? \u00a0 <\/span>Fark ediyorum ki bu kopar\u0131\u015f di\u011ferlerine hi\u00e7 benzemiyor.<\/p>\n

Herkesi,\u00a0 <\/span>her \u015feyi\u00a0 <\/span>geride b\u0131rakma hissi\u2026 Bununla nas\u0131l ba\u015fa \u00e7\u0131k\u0131l\u0131r onu bile bilmiyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Y\u00fcre\u011fim parampar\u00e7a bir halde,\u00a0 <\/span>ayr\u0131l\u0131yorum yasamay\u0131 tek bildigim yerden.\u00a0 <\/span>Bu u\u011fursuz el olmasayd\u0131 \u015fu an mutluluk dolu hayat\u0131ma devam edecektim .\u00a0 <\/span>Y\u00fcre\u011fim o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck ac\u0131larla dolu ki yok oluyorum sanki.<\/p>\n

Ben karmakar\u0131\u015f\u0131k hislerin i\u00e7inde \u00e7aresizce \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131yorken \u00e7ok uzun bir yolculuk \u00e7oktan ba\u015flam\u0131\u015f oluyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir s\u00fcre sonra\u00a0 <\/span>bana olduk\u00e7a yabanc\u0131 bir yere geliyoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>Her taraf \u00e7ok s\u0131cak.\u00a0 <\/span>Yoksa sahilime mi kavu\u015ftum?\u00a0 <\/span>Ne b\u00fcy\u00fck saadet..\u00a0 <\/span>Birden kendimi kumsal\u0131nda hissediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Zerrelerime kadar isiniyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Tipk\u0131 g\u00fcne\u015fimin beni o s\u0131cac\u0131k kollar\u0131yla sar\u0131p sarmalad\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi ama o da ne?\u00a0 <\/span>Bu s\u0131cak benim g\u00fcne\u015fimin s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131na hi\u00e7 benzemiyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Benim g\u00fcne\u015fim beni \u0131s\u0131t\u0131yorken bu s\u0131cak beni yak\u0131yor,\u00a0 <\/span>kavuruyor. \u00a0 <\/span>Hem de beni ben olmaktan \u00e7\u0131karacak bir \u015fekilde.\u00a0 <\/span>Ke\u015fke \u00f6lsem diyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bu kadar ac\u0131 \u00e7ok fazla,\u00a0 <\/span>ke\u015fke \u00f6lsem diye \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131k at\u0131yorum; beni i\u015fitmeyen kulaklara…\u00a0 <\/span>Ama \u00f6lmek yerine eriyorum yava\u015f yava\u015f .\u00a0 <\/span>Bu o kadar a\u011f\u0131r geliyor ki ruhuma,\u00a0 <\/span>kendimden ge\u00e7iyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir s\u00fcre sonra \u0131l\u0131k bir esinti beni kendime getiriyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Yoksa sevgili okyanusumun yosun kokan nefesi mi bu?\u00a0 <\/span>Etraf\u0131m\u0131 hissetmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

Beni kendime getiren \u015feyin,\u00a0 <\/span>beni buraya getiren\u00a0 <\/span>insan\u0131n nefesi oldu\u011funu fark ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00d6yle bir \u00fcfleyi\u015fi var ki, \u00a0 <\/span>\u00e7amura ruh \u00fcfler gibi… \u015eekillenmeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00d6lmemi\u015ftim; aksine olmu\u015ftum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bitti\u011fini sand\u0131\u011f\u0131m,\u00a0 <\/span>hatta umdu\u011fum hayat,\u00a0 <\/span>ba\u015fka bir ben hediye etmi\u015fti bana.. \u0130hti\u015faml\u0131 bir g\u00fczellikle ikinci bir hayata merhaba demeye haz\u0131rlan\u0131yorum fark\u0131nda olmadan.<\/p>\n

\u0130nsan\u0131n istedi\u011fi \u015fekli al\u0131nca \u00f6zenle bir rafa yerle\u015ftiriliyorum,\u00a0 <\/span>benim gibi onlarcas\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131na.\u00a0 <\/span>Tam olarak neye donu\u015ftu\u011fumu ve ne i\u015fe yarad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilmedi\u011fim i\u00e7in etraf\u0131mdakilerden bir \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131mda bulunmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Kar\u015f\u0131 tarafta duranlar o kadar g\u00fczel g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcyorlar ki,\u00a0 <\/span>g\u0131pta ile bak\u0131yorum onlara.\u00a0 <\/span>Okyanusumun \u00fczerinde gezinen dev gemilerin minik olanlar\u0131 var i\u00e7lerinde.\u00a0 <\/span>Hasret ve \u00f6zlemle onlara bak\u0131yor ve \u00fcmit ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir \u015fey dikkatimi da\u011f\u0131t\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Daha a\u015fa\u011f\u0131larda\u00a0 <\/span>ba\u015fka ba\u015fka kumsallardan getirilmi\u015f y\u0131\u011f\u0131nla kum taneleri g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Hepsi \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131k \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131\u011fa,\u00a0 <\/span>ne yapaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmez haldeler.\u00a0 <\/span>Sesimi duyurmak i\u00e7in var g\u00fcc\u00fcmle ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorum. \u00a0 <\/span>Ba\u015f\u0131mdan ge\u00e7enleri anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum .\u00a0 <\/span>Bir s\u00fcre sonra bana kulak vermeye ba\u015fl\u0131yorlar ;ama inanm\u0131yorlar.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir kumun nas\u0131l olur da cama d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015febildi\u011fini anlam\u0131yorlar,\u00a0 <\/span>yan\u0131mdakilerin \u015fahitli\u011fi ile anlatsam da…\u00a0 <\/span>Bir k\u0131sm\u0131 \u00e7aresizli\u011finde o kadar bo\u011fuluyor ki beni duymuyorlar bile…<\/p>\n

Bize \u015fekil veren insan her ne kadar i\u015fini sab\u0131r ve itina ile yapsa da bazen camlar istedi\u011fi \u015fekli alm\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Ve i\u015fleme tekrar ba\u015ftan ba\u015flamak zorunda kal\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Yine eritiyor ,\u00a0 <\/span>yine ac\u0131 veriyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Ac\u0131ndan ders almazsan sonsuza kadar o ac\u0131y\u0131 ya\u015famaya mahkumsun der gibi.. Sonra yardim eli uzan\u0131yor. \u00a0 <\/span>Tekrar \u00fcfl\u00fcyor; t\u00fcm bunlar\u0131n sorumlusunun uyumsuz ve inan\u00e7s\u0131z kum taneleri oldu\u011funun fark\u0131nda olmadan.<\/p>\n

Beni dinleyen kum tanelerinin yeni hayata ba\u015flamalar\u0131 uzun s\u00fcrm\u00fcyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Tek bir \u0131k\u0131nma ile ana rahminden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorlar ve ilk nefeslerine \u00e7ok h\u0131zl\u0131 ula\u015f\u0131yorlar.\u00a0 <\/span>Her biri benim gibi raftaki yerlerini al\u0131yorlar.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>At\u00f6lyeye bir adam giriyor. Hepimize tek tek inceledikten sonra bende karar kal\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Beni sahilimden koparan kutuya benzer bir kutuya b\u0131rak\u0131l\u0131yorum ama bu defa daha itina ile…\u00a0 <\/span>Etraf\u0131mda olup biteni g\u00f6remiyorum ama benimle birlikte ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n oldu\u011funu da fark ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>F\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131lar duyuyorum,\u00a0 <\/span>kime ait oldu\u011funu bilmedi\u011fim.\u00a0 <\/span>Uzun s\u00fcren bu karanl\u0131kta kal\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir s\u00fcre sonra hassas bir ruha sahip oldu\u011funu sonradan \u00f6\u011frenece\u011fim bir kad\u0131n\u0131n ellerine b\u0131rak\u0131l\u0131yorum. \u00a0 <\/span>Beni bo\u011fan karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inden \u00f6zenle \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131l\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Sahildeyken \u00fczerimizde dola\u015fan bebeklerin yumu\u015fac\u0131k ayaklar\u0131n\u0131n dokunu\u015flar\u0131na benziyor dokunu\u015flar\u0131. Beni \u00f6yle \u00f6zenle tutuyor ki y\u00fcre\u011fimin heyecanla atmas\u0131na sebep oluyor.<\/p>\n

Sonra biraz su ak\u0131t\u0131yor i\u00e7ime. Sevgili okyanusumdan bir par\u00e7a san\u0131yorum onu.\u00a0 <\/span>Heyecanla yudumluyorum kokusunu; ama yeniden yan\u0131l\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir daha bir araya gelmemek \u00fczere ayr\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 fark ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Art\u0131k kum tanesi de\u011filim.\u00a0 <\/span>Yanlar\u0131na d\u00f6nsem de benim ben oldu\u011fuma inanmayacaklar\u0131 biriyim ben.\u00a0 <\/span>Bamba\u015fkay\u0131m.\u00a0 <\/span>A\u011fl\u0131yorum i\u00e7ten i\u00e7e.<\/p>\n

Bir s\u00fcre sonra ac\u0131 bir tecr\u00fcbe ile ne i\u015fe yarad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131\u00a0 <\/span>\u00f6\u011freniyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Can\u0131ndan kopar\u0131lm\u0131\u015f ba\u015fka canlara k\u0131sa s\u00fcreli\u011fine de olsa hayat vermek…<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n evin ortas\u0131nda duran masan\u0131n \u00fczerine b\u0131rak\u0131yor beni dikkatlice. Etraf\u0131ma bak\u0131yorum ve dakikalarca birlikte yolculuk etti\u011fimiz f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131lar\u0131n sahibi ile birlikte… Y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc \u015fimdi g\u00f6rebildi\u011fim muhte\u015fem buketle tan\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Renklerinin parlakl\u0131\u011f\u0131 kokusunun e\u015fsizli\u011fi ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00f6nd\u00fcr\u00fcyor adeta.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131 buketten ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 g\u00fclleri teker teker can\u00a0 <\/span>suyuma yerle\u015ftiriyor. Her bir g\u00fcl dal\u0131 ruhumu canland\u0131r\u0131yor adeta.\u00a0 <\/span>Hayat\u0131ma bir ama\u00e7 sunuyor c\u00f6mert\u00e7e.\u00a0 <\/span>Sonsuza kadar bu \u015fekilde ya\u015fayabilece\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. \u00a0 <\/span>Ne kadar m\u00fckemmel bir duygu.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n bizi evinin en g\u00fczel k\u00f6\u015fesinde yerle\u015ftiriyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Yaln\u0131z kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda konu\u015fmaya,\u00a0 <\/span>tan\u0131\u015fmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>Buraya nas\u0131l geldi\u011fini anlat\u0131yor bana .\u00a0 <\/span>Ben de ona anlat\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Dost oluyoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00d6yle ki yaralar\u0131ma merhem dertlerime derman bir dost…\u00a0 <\/span>\u00d6yle ki art\u0131k hayat\u0131m\u0131 onsuz d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnemiyorum art\u0131k.<\/p>\n

Kendimize o kadar kap\u0131lm\u0131\u015f\u0131z ki etraf\u0131m\u0131zda olup bitenleri fark etmiyoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>Birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn sonra g\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn yapraklar\u0131n\u0131n solmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>O bunun, \u00a0 <\/span>onun yazg\u0131s\u0131 oldu\u011funu s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor; ama ben buna inanmak istemiyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Ona kendimin\u00a0 <\/span>de yok olaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 sand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ancak \u015fimdi ne durumda oldu\u011fumu, \u00a0 <\/span>onun da muhakkak b\u00f6yle bir yolculu\u011funun olmamas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini s\u00f6yl\u00fcyorum; ama onu da kendimi de ikna edemiyorum. Usulca\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00f6zlerimin \u00f6n\u00fcnde yok olu\u015funu izlemek beni kahrediyor. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n yan\u0131m\u0131za geliyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Bir s\u00fcre bize bakt\u0131ktan sonra beni bir kere daha ama\u00e7s\u0131z b\u0131rakan bir \u015fey yap\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Onu benden al\u0131yor,\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00fcllerimi, hayat\u0131m\u0131,\u00a0 <\/span>tesellimi benden \u00e7al\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>L\u00fctfen onu bana geri ver diye ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorum duymayan kulaklar\u0131na.\u00a0 <\/span>Son zamanlar\u0131nda onunla kalmama izin ver diyorum , en az\u0131ndan bu kadar\u0131na hakk\u0131m var diyorum, \u00a0 <\/span>sa\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011fa do\u011fru.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n gidiyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Sava\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7inde \u00e7\u0131ld\u0131rmak \u00fczere iken az da olsa bir teselli ar\u0131yorum. Oh nihayet… \u00a0 <\/span>G\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn kokusuna ve suyuna sahibim.\u00a0 <\/span>En az\u0131ndan bu \u015fekilde ona yak\u0131n olmaya devam edebilir,\u00a0 <\/span>az da olsa mutlu olabilirim.\u00a0 <\/span>Var\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00fcc\u00fcmle kokusunu i\u00e7ime \u00e7ekiyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>\u0130liklerime kadar onu hissetmek istiyorum, veda bile edemeden giden g\u00fcl\u00fcme vefa g\u00f6stermek istiyorum.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n yine geliyor.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNeyim kald\u0131 ki zaten,\u00a0 <\/span>her \u015feyimi ald\u0131n\u201d diye ba\u011f\u0131r\u0131yorum ama o hi\u00e7 beklemedi\u011fim bir \u015fey daha al\u0131yor g\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn kokusunu ,\u00a0 <\/span>suyunu ve beni bombo\u015f,\u00a0 <\/span>yapayaln\u0131z bir \u015fekilde y\u00fcre\u011fimde actigi bo\u015flu\u011fa b\u0131rak\u0131yor. \u00a0 <\/span>Yine \u00f6lmek istiyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>G\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn ac\u0131s\u0131 g\u00fcnlerce i\u00e7imden \u00e7\u0131km\u0131yor ve s\u00fcrekli \u00f6lmek i\u00e7in yalvar\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n

Ben ac\u0131lar\u0131mla bir ba\u015f\u0131mayken\u00a0 <\/span>kad\u0131n\u0131n mutlu hallerini g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Arkada\u015flar ile kahkaha at\u0131yor,\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00fcl\u00fcyor,\u00a0 <\/span>e\u011fleniyor oysa ben kahrolmu\u015fum ve yine \u00f6lmek i\u00e7in yalvar\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Yan\u0131mdan ge\u00e7en birine \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 duyurmu\u015f olaca\u011f\u0131m ki irkiliyor birden ve bana \u00e7arp\u0131yor .\u00a0 <\/span>Yere d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Parampar\u00e7a oluyorum bir daha asla eski halime d\u00f6nemeyecek kadar parampar\u00e7a.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n herkesi dikkatli olmaya davet ediyor; ancak\u00a0 <\/span>bana dokunur dokunmaz\u00a0 <\/span>irkiliyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Onun can\u0131n\u0131 ac\u0131tabilece\u011fimi fark ediyorum. \u00a0 <\/span>O an i\u00e7imde bir alev harlanmaya ba\u015fl\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Onun can\u0131n\u0131 daha fazla ac\u0131tma iste\u011fi… Yeni tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m bu his beni al\u0131p hayat\u0131m\u0131n ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131 yere g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcyor bir anl\u0131\u011f\u0131na,\u00a0 <\/span>belki de d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden yapaca\u011f\u0131m yanl\u0131\u015f hareketimin bana pi\u015fmanl\u0131k getirece\u011fini hat\u0131rlatmak \u0131s\u0131t\u0131yor. Sahildeki hayat\u0131m g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcne geliyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Anneler,\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00f6zlerinden sak\u0131nd\u0131klar\u0131 bebeklerini \u00fczerime koyarken hi\u00e7 de kayg\u0131l\u0131 de\u011filler,\u00a0 <\/span>hi\u00e7 de\u00a0 <\/span>zarar g\u00f6receklerini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcyorlard\u0131.\u00a0 <\/span>Oysa \u015fimdiki halim bir insan\u0131 \u00f6ld\u00fcrebilecek kadar g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc ve tehlikeli.\u00a0 <\/span>Kad\u0131n tekrar yan\u0131ma yakla\u015f\u0131yor .\u00a0 <\/span>Dikkatle par\u00e7alar\u0131m\u0131 toplamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Ben son kozumu oynuyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Hi\u00e7 beklemedi\u011fi bir anda en keskin taraf\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6steriyorum o incecik parmaklar\u0131na. \u00a0 <\/span>Pamuktan parma\u011f\u0131 birden g\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn rengini al\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>O an ruhumun zevkle derin bir nefes ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissediyorum.<\/p>\n

Birka\u00e7 dakika sonra ama\u00e7s\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 destekler gibi\u00a0 <\/span>bir kenarda y\u0131\u011f\u0131nt\u0131 olarak bekliyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Bekledi\u011fim bu yeri daha \u00f6nce g\u00f6rmedi\u011fi fark ediyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Sahildeki atmosferi hat\u0131rlat\u0131yor bana. \u00a0 <\/span>Parampar\u00e7a v\u00fccudumla alabildi\u011fim kadar derin bir nefes al\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>\u0130\u00e7imi dolduran\u00a0 <\/span>koku bir an tan\u0131d\u0131k geliyor ve etraf\u0131ma bak\u0131nca g\u00f6zlerime inanam\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Kad\u0131n\u0131n g\u00fcllerime yeniden can verdi\u011fini g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Kahroluyorum bir kez daha.\u00a0 <\/span>Kendi ellerimle mutlulu\u011fumu bitiri\u015fime a\u011fl\u0131yorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Oysaki sab\u0131rl\u0131 olsayd\u0131m birka\u00e7 zaman sonra g\u00fcl\u00fcm ile tekrar bulu\u015fabilirdim. \u00a0 <\/span>G\u00f6zlerini hen\u00fcz a\u00e7mam\u0131\u015f olan g\u00fcl\u00fcm\u00fcn bize yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131\u00a0 <\/span>g\u00f6rmemesine \u015f\u00fckrediyorum bir yandan; ama a\u011fl\u0131yorum ac\u0131nacak halime.<\/p>\n

Kad\u0131n gelip beni al\u0131yor ve benim gibi art\u0131k i\u015fe yaramayan onlarca cam k\u0131r\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7ine at\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>G\u00fcnler sonra birinin akl\u0131na geliyoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>ilk gitti\u011fim cam at\u00f6lyesi gibi bir yere geliyoruz.\u00a0 <\/span>Yeniden v\u00fccut bulmaya.\u00a0 <\/span>Eritiliyorum yeniden ;ama bu defa o kadar da ac\u0131tm\u0131yor.\u00a0 <\/span>Sonunu bildi\u011fim bir hikayeyi dinliyorum sanki.\u00a0 <\/span>Sab\u0131rla ve biraz da \u00fcmitle bekliyorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Ac\u0131lar kimi zaman kendimden ge\u00e7meme sebep olsa da \u00f6lmek i\u00e7in yalvartacak boyuta gelmiyor.\u00a0 <\/span>Yeniden ruh \u00fcfleniyor c\u0131l\u0131z bedenime ve yeniden bir a\u015fka kap\u0131lmak i\u00e7in yelken a\u00e7\u0131yorum hayat\u0131n ak\u0131lalmaz sular\u0131na…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

MERYEM \u015eENER G\u00f6z kama\u015ft\u0131ran, ruhu doyuran g\u00fczellikte bir okyanusun k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131nda var oldum. \u00a0 G\u00fcnd\u00fczleri g\u00fcne\u015fin t\u00fcm c\u00f6mertli\u011fine \u015fahitlik<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1524,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nYEN\u0130DEN VAROLU\u015e - SES MAGAZINE<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"YEN\u0130DEN VAROLU\u015e - SES MAGAZINE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"MERYEM \u015eENER G\u00f6z kama\u015ft\u0131ran, ruhu doyuran g\u00fczellikte bir okyanusun k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131nda var oldum. \u00a0 G\u00fcnd\u00fczleri g\u00fcne\u015fin t\u00fcm c\u00f6mertli\u011fine \u015fahitlik\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"SES MAGAZINE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/serifkanada\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-02-12T16:43:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@https:\/\/twitter.com\/serifcanada1\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\">\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"9 minutes\">\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/\",\"name\":\"SES MAGAZINE\",\"description\":\"Literature \\u00b7 Analysis \\u00b7 Thought\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?s={search_term_string}\",\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854#primaryimage\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"url\":\"\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=1854\",\"name\":\"YEN\\u0130DEN VAROLU\\u015e - 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