{"id":172,"date":"2019-09-14T22:31:41","date_gmt":"2019-09-14T22:31:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=172"},"modified":"2019-09-15T01:06:17","modified_gmt":"2019-09-15T01:06:17","slug":"yolculuk-muhasebesi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=172","title":{"rendered":"YOLCULUK MUHASEBESI"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
EM\u0130NE Y\u00dcCE<\/h6>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Oturdu\u011fum yer az y\u00fcksek\u00e7e, minik bir tepe. Hem kar\u015f\u0131daki hummal\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmay\u0131 rahat\u00e7a g\u00f6reyim, hem de duygular\u0131mla ba\u015f ba\u015fa kalay\u0131m diye oturdum buraya. Eskiden olsa bunun i\u00e7in bir ta\u015f par\u00e7as\u0131 se\u00e7erdim ama bu u\u00e7suz bucaks\u0131z \u00e7\u00f6lde zor. Nereye baksan sapsar\u0131 kum ve nereye y\u00f6nelsen bata \u00e7\u0131ka y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f var burada. Bunlardan gayr\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 bulmak epey bir aray\u0131\u015f ve emek ister.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kar\u015f\u0131mdaki manzaray\u0131 hayretle seyrederken olaylar\u0131n bug\u00fcne, bu \u00e2na nas\u0131l geldi\u011fini hat\u0131rlad\u0131m bir kez daha. Bir taraftan h\u00e2l\u00e2 hayreti yudum yudum i\u00e7iyor, bir taraftan da g\u00f6zlerim, bir uyuyakalan \u0130smail’in \u00e7ehresini s\u00fcz\u00fcyor bir yeni kom\u015fumuzun \u00e7ad\u0131rlar\u0131n\u0131 kurmalar\u0131na dal\u0131yor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Daha ka\u00e7 sabah \u00f6ncesiydi burada yapayaln\u0131zd\u0131k, \u0130smail’im ve ben. Bu kupkuru \u00e7\u00f6lde sadece biz vard\u0131k insan nam\u0131na. Yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131, \u00e7aresizli\u011fi, kimsesizli\u011fi b\u00f6ylesine iliklerime kadar hissedip yine ayn\u0131 \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcde Allah’\u0131n benimle oldu\u011funu da duymu\u015f ve raz\u0131 olmu\u015fken halime… Nereden geliverdi bu kafile \u015fimdi? Yollar\u0131n\u0131n buraya u\u011framas\u0131, suyu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce konaklamalar\u0131, birka\u00e7 gece dinlenip burada kalmay\u0131 konu\u015fmalar\u0131, benden izin ald\u0131ktan sonra kalmaya karar vermeleri bir k\u0131sm\u0131n\u0131n yolculu\u011fa devam arzusuyla \u00e7\u0131kan yeni tart\u0131\u015fma ve nihayetinde yola devam etmek isteyenlere u\u011furlad\u0131ktan sonra \u015fimdi yerle\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

T\u00fcm o ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131mdan sonra ne korkum kald\u0131 gelece\u011fe dair ne merak\u0131m. Gayr\u0131 bana d\u00fc\u015fen seyir. G\u00fc\u00e7s\u00fczl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm de O’nun g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc, garipli\u011fimde O’nun dostlu\u011funu, kimsesizli\u011fimde O’nun varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve yak\u0131nl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bunca duymu\u015f ve tatm\u0131\u015fken… Bundan sonra ne olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 merak etmiyorum art\u0131k.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Mutmainim ki; olmas\u0131 gereken olur, ve olanda hay\u0131r vard\u0131r. Bana d\u00fc\u015fense takdire r\u0131za i\u00e7inde, bir taraftan olu\u015fu seyrederken bir taraftan da irademi do\u011fru kullanmakt\u0131r. O anda ve \u015fartta \u00fczerime d\u00fc\u015feni yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmakt\u0131r. \u015eartlar\u0131n imk\u00e2n verip vermeyi\u015fi ya da benim g\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fcn yetip yetmedi\u011fi de\u011filmi\u015f \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fc. Sadece niyet ve dua… G\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fcn o an yetti\u011fi ne ise onu o anda yapmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmakm\u0131\u015f en samim\u00ee dua… Gerisi hep l\u00fctufmu\u015f… \u00d6tesi berisi hep l\u00fctuf…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  \u00d6mr\u00fcm\u00fcn \u015fu ana kadar s\u00f6yleyip durdu\u011fu hep bu t\u00fcrk\u00fcym\u00fc\u015f. Ard arda tekrar eden d\u00f6ng\u00fclerin neticesi hep bu dersi vermi\u015f.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 \u0130brahim ve e\u015fi ile ilk tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mda ba\u015flayan hayretler sarmal\u0131 gittik\u00e7e darald\u0131, gayri iradi s\u00fcr\u00fcklendi\u011fim ak\u0131nt\u0131 gittik\u00e7e h\u0131zland\u0131 ve \u015fimdi doru\u011funday\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 O aileye hizmetk\u00e2r olarak verili\u015fim, o zalim ve ma\u011frur melikten kurtulu\u015fun sevinciydi. Onlar\u0131n bamba\u015fka insanlar oldu\u011funu g\u00f6rd\u00fck\u00e7e hayretler ile ba\u015flayan s\u00fcrecim Allah’a imanla vuslata vard\u0131. \u0130nsan olman\u0131n k\u0131ymetini ilk kez b\u00f6ylesine duydu\u011fum bu aileye hizmeti a\u015fkla ederken Sare’nin \u0130brahim’le nikah teklifi ayr\u0131 bir boyuta ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131 l\u00fctuflar\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her ne kadar Sare’nin \u00e7ok \u00e7ok gerisinde durmam gerekse de bir Nebiye e\u015f olman\u0131n \u015ferefi bir taraftan, k\u00f6le olarak girdi\u011fim bu hanede art\u0131k  bir han\u0131mefendi olman\u0131n k\u0131ymeti \u00f6b\u00fcr taraftan hayretin kar\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015f\u00fck\u00fcrler ya\u011fd\u0131 kalbimden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  Bir yavrum olaca\u011f\u0131 m\u00fcjdesini almakla Sare’nin niyetinin ger\u00e7ekle\u015fece\u011fi ve \u0130brahim’e benimle bir evlat verilece\u011fi sevinci bamba\u015fka sevin\u00e7lere dald\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 …<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anneli\u011fin lezzeti bir ba\u015fka, yavrumun masum \u00e7ehresinin, mis kokusunun ve her halinin bana Cennet numunesi hediyeler olu\u015fu da, kalbimde duydu\u011fum lezzetin Cennettekilerden bile a\u015fk\u0131n oldu\u011fu hissi de bir ba\u015fka l\u00fctuftu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bunlar\u0131n yan\u0131nda \u00f6b\u00fcr taraftan; hamileykenden ba\u015flayan Sare’nin k\u0131skan\u00e7l\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131n, yavrum do\u011fduktan sonra artan h\u0131\u015fm\u0131n\u0131n her ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn \u015fiddetlenmesi bizi bamba\u015fka bir hayata ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131. Bir taraftan minnetle ve sevgiyle doluyken kalbim ona kar\u015f\u0131, di\u011fer taraftan e\u015fini payla\u015fman\u0131n ve ona verilmeyenin bana verili\u015finin h\u00fczn\u00fcn\u00fc kalbimde hep hissetsem ve t\u00fcm sevin\u00e7lerimin i\u00e7ine bu halin h\u00fczn\u00fc damlasa da Sare’yi teselliye yetemezdi hi\u00e7 biri…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ve sonunda \u0130brahim bizi al\u0131p yollara d\u00fc\u015fmeye mecbur kald\u0131. Yol boyunca hissetti\u011fim garipli\u011fi tarif etmem m\u00fcmk\u00fcn m\u00fc? Daha minicik yavrumla yollara d\u00fc\u015fmek zorunda kalmak… Hani zaten bu haneye geldim geleli yolcuyduk \u00e7ok vakit ama par\u00e7alanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131k i\u00e7inde da\u011f\u0131ld\u0131k \u015fimdi. Belli ki \u0130brahim her daim yan\u0131m\u0131zda olmayacak. Ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m ne edece\u011fim bir ba\u015f\u0131ma, nereye gidiyoruz?…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 T\u00fcrl\u00fc t\u00fcrl\u00fc inkisarlar, sorular geldi geldi gitti. B\u00fct\u00fcn hayat\u0131m\u0131 evirip \u00e7evirip kendine getiren Rabbim elbet beni zayi etmeyecekti. Bundan \u00f6nce etmedi, \u015fimdi kuca\u011f\u0131nda masum yavrum varken etmezdi elbette… Hem onca olan bitenin ard\u0131nda O’nun sevk ve idaresi vard\u0131. \u00d6yleyse neye endi\u015fe edecektim ki… Hem \u015fimdi o\u011flum vard\u0131 yan\u0131mda ve onun babas\u0131…Onlar\u0131n varl\u0131\u011f\u0131 yeterdi, nerde olsam fark etmezdi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yolculuk boyunca t\u00fcm bu almalar vermeler, t\u00fcrl\u00fc hallere girmeler gitgide yerini huzura sekineye b\u0131rakt\u0131. Att\u0131\u011f\u0131m ad\u0131mlar adeta i\u00e7imde derinle\u015fen bir yolculu\u011fa g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcyor ve Rabbime yakla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yordu beni. Sanki bu yolculu\u011fa O’na varmak i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Derken \u0130brahim konaklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z yerdeyken do\u011fruldu, arkas\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6n\u00fcp gitmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Vedas\u0131z, s\u00f6zs\u00fcz bu gidi\u015fin gidi\u015f oldu\u011funu anlay\u0131nca hayretler i\u00e7inde kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. U\u00e7suz bucaks\u0131z \u00e7\u00f6l\u00fcn ortas\u0131nda, suyun yiyece\u011fin ve ne insan ne hayvan tek bir canl\u0131n\u0131n olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 bu \u0131p\u0131ss\u0131z yerde ger\u00e7ekten bizi b\u0131rak\u0131p gidiyordu… Hayret ve deh\u015fetime e\u015flik eden feryatlar\u0131m da kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k bulamay\u0131nca \u00fcstelik, arkas\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6n\u00fcp bakmadan gidiyordu… K\u0131zg\u0131n g\u00fcne\u015fin alt\u0131nda parlayan kumlar, masmavi g\u00f6k her \u015fey karard\u0131… Alev alev yakan r\u00fczgar, hava, yerdeki k\u0131zg\u0131n kum buz kesildi… Yapayaln\u0131z bir ba\u015f\u0131ma yan\u0131mda bir bebekle… y\u0131llarca hasretle beklenen bir evlatla kala kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m… Terk edilmi\u015flik, kimsesizlik ve daha nice duygular… Az \u00f6nce Rabbime olan itimad\u0131m ve O’nun icraat\u0131na r\u0131za arzusunun meltemleri usulca esti… \u0130\u00e7imi dolduran geni\u015flik ve in\u015firahla her yer yeniden ayd\u0131nland\u0131, her \u015fey yeniden \u0131s\u0131nd\u0131…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allah’\u0131n benimle bizimle oldu\u011funu hat\u0131rlay\u0131\u015fla yeniden canland\u0131m ve iyice uzakla\u015fan \u0130brahim’e ko\u015ftum bir kez daha… \u201cBunu Rabbin mi emretti?\u201d diyen soruma bu defa \u201cevet\u201d diye cevap geldi… ve b\u00fcsb\u00fct\u00fcn rahatlad\u0131m. \u201c\u00d6yleyse O bizi zayi etmez.\u201d diyerek o huzurun lezzeti i\u00e7in; onca \u00e7\u00f6lleri a\u015fmak da, Sare’nin h\u0131\u015fm\u0131na u\u011framak da, bir k\u0131skan\u00e7l\u0131\u011f\u0131n kurban\u0131 gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcp yola revan olmak da, gece g\u00fcnd\u00fcz y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fcp \u00e7\u00f6llere varmak da de\u011fermi\u015f…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Ama bilemezdim tabi, O’na ne kadar yakla\u015f\u0131rsan yakla\u015f yollar\u0131n yolculuklar\u0131n bitmedi\u011fini. Her an iman\u0131n yenilenmesi ve derinle\u015fmesi i\u00e7in bir o kadar \u00e7aresizli\u011fi, ihtiyac\u0131 ve zay\u0131fl\u0131\u011f\u0131 yudumlamak gerekti\u011fini…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Suyumuz bitip de yavrumu doyuramaz olunca benim i\u00e7in as\u0131l yolculuk ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kuca\u011f\u0131mda ta\u015f\u0131maya takadim kalmay\u0131nca onu b\u0131rak\u0131p dola\u015fmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m bu defa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  Biraz ilerleyip tepeye \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor, inkisarla inerken yavrumu g\u00f6remez olunca ba\u015f\u0131na bir \u015fey gelir korkusu ile ko\u015fuyor, tam yan\u0131na gidecekken su bulmam gerekti\u011fini, bulmazsam da ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131za bir \u015fey gelece\u011fini hat\u0131rl\u0131yor, \u201cBir de kar\u015f\u0131daki tepeye bakay\u0131m\u201d diyerek yeniden devam ediyordum. \u00d6nce onu yerinde g\u00f6rmenin ferahl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile canlan\u0131p tepeye t\u0131rmand\u0131ktan sonra etrafa bak\u0131yor, her taraf\u0131 kar\u0131\u015f kar\u0131\u015f g\u00f6z\u00fcmle gezerken dakikalarca etraf\u0131mda d\u00f6n\u00fcyor, bir damla suyun izini bulamay\u0131\u015f\u0131n inkisar\u0131yla \u00fcmidim s\u00f6n\u00fck yeniden iniyordum .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A\u015fa\u011f\u0131 inerken nereye gidece\u011fimi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyor, yavrumu oraya b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015fken daha uza\u011fa gidemeyece\u011fimi, zaten g\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fcn de yetmeyece\u011fini anl\u0131yor, onu g\u00f6remedi\u011fim yere gelince yeniden ko\u015fuyor, \u201chele \u015furaya bir kez daha bakay\u0131m, belki bu defa bir \u015fey bulurum\u201d diyerek \u00f6nceki tepeye tekrar t\u0131rman\u0131yordum. Ne ayaklar\u0131m\u0131 yakan kumu s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, ne estik\u00e7e s\u0131cak s\u0131cak tenime de\u011fen r\u00fczg\u00e2r\u0131 ne susuzluktan \u00e7atlayan dudaklar\u0131m\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131  duyamaz olmu\u015ftum.  Takatsizlikle y\u0131\u011f\u0131l\u0131p kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m yerde kendimden de vazge\u00e7ti\u011fim \u00e7ok oluyordu ama uzakta \u00f6ylece yatan yavrum g\u00f6z\u00fcme ili\u015ftik\u00e7e \u201cHadi bir ka\u00e7 ad\u0131m daha \u015euraya bir kere daha bakay\u0131m\u201d diye can topluyor bir \u015fey bulaca\u011f\u0131m umudundan \u00e7ok, \u00e7aresizli\u011fin diplerinde \u201celimden gelen bu. Bari bundan geri durmay\u0131m.\u201d  \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131\u015f\u0131 ile ilerliyordum. \u015eimdi uzaktan bak\u0131nca delilik gibi gelse de, ayn\u0131 iki tepe aras\u0131nda ka\u00e7 kez oldu\u011funu bilmedi\u011fim o ko\u015fmalar, y\u00fcr\u00fcmeler, yere kapaklan\u0131p tekrar do\u011frulamalar… Evet d\u0131\u015ftan bakana anlams\u0131z gibi gelse de… \u015eimdi anl\u0131yorum… O da Rabbime bir yolculukmu\u015f… Apayr\u0131 bir derinli\u011fi olan ve beni O’na daha da yakla\u015ft\u0131ran…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neticede bittim dedi\u011fim yerde, art\u0131k bu -mesafesi k\u0131sa ama zorlu- y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f sonsuza kadar da s\u00fcrse, takatim sadece bir ad\u0131m atmaya yetecek kadar da olsa, o kadar\u0131n\u0131 yapmaya karar verdi\u011fim ama aray\u0131\u015ftan  vazge\u00e7medi\u011fim, her inkisarimda Rabbimin bizi zayi etmeyece\u011fine itimadimla yeniden toparlanman\u0131n, O’na bir kere daha tevekk\u00fcl etmenin ve h\u00fckm\u00fcne teslim olman\u0131n ritmini ve ahengini ke\u015ffedip iyice uyum sa\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m… hep bu ahenkle ya\u015fayaca\u011f\u0131m, vereceksem de son nefesi b\u00f6yle vereyim dedi\u011fim o anda… o sayin sonsuz bir yol olup ruhumda a\u00e7\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131 ve r\u0131za ile y\u00fcr\u00fcmeye azmedip yola koyuldu\u011fum o anda… art\u0131k tel\u00e2\u015f\u0131n korkunun kayg\u0131n\u0131n t\u00fckenip, h\u00fcz\u00fcn i\u00e7inde sabit bir lezzeti sonsuza de\u011fin yudum yudum i\u00e7meye azmetti\u011fim o anda… yavrumun yan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131nda parlay\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm… Daha dokunamam\u0131\u015f, bir yudum i\u00e7ememi\u015f olsamda, verili\u015finin umuduyla kalbime duygular\u0131ma y\u00fcr\u00fcyen taptaze cansuyuyla ko\u015ftum yeniden… Bu defaki \u00fcmit ve korkuya kar\u0131\u015fan bir ko\u015fu\u015f ve m\u00fcjdenin vuslat mustusuna kar\u0131\u015fan heyecan\u0131yd\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tarifi imkans\u0131z O bulu\u015fma an\u0131n\u0131, o sevinci ve  huzuru tatt\u0131k\u00e7a anlad\u0131m ki; ben sadece arayabilirim isteyebilirim dua ve talep edebilirim. G\u00fcc\u00fcm sadece ona yeter. Ve kul olarak bana d\u00fc\u015fen sadece budur…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  Suyun benim aray\u0131\u015flar\u0131mla de\u011fil, uzakta yavrumun yan\u0131ndan verili\u015fi ise ne manalara geliyor? Onun tefekk\u00fcr\u00fcn\u00fc de size b\u0131rakay\u0131m.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

EM\u0130NE Y\u00dcCE Oturdu\u011fum yer az y\u00fcksek\u00e7e, minik bir tepe. Hem kar\u015f\u0131daki hummal\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmay\u0131 rahat\u00e7a g\u00f6reyim, hem de duygular\u0131mla<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":173,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nYOLCULUK MUHASEBESI - SES MAGAZINE<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.sesdergisi.ca\/?p=172\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"YOLCULUK MUHASEBESI - SES MAGAZINE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"EM\u0130NE Y\u00dcCE Oturdu\u011fum yer az y\u00fcksek\u00e7e, minik bir tepe. 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